Sober is Relitave
by doughnutmagic
Summary: UPDATED! Oh, it's taken the dramatic turn! bass, snare, symbol Oh yeah, I'm good! Ema and Katou are...in BED together?
1. I'm soberkinda sorta

**I'M BACK, WITH MORE KATOU INSANITY!!!  
**  
_Ahem_ Now that I'm back to my normality, I would like to welcome you all to Sober is Relative. I'm not going to promise anything better than WIWI but I'm going to try my best! Well..onto the reading!  
  
..  
**Sober is Relative**  
  
It's kind of weird to think of myself all those years ago, high all the time and acting like a jackass for no apparent reason-other than the fact that I was indeed a jackass. Being older, and wiser (shut up) I now see the error of my ways and apologize to all of those unfortunate souls I made 'love' to while I was not in my prime, and hindered by my substance abuse...  
  
Care to try again?  
  
I, Yue Katou, have lived to be twenty-five years old.  
  
...Your applause is appreciated.  
  
I know what you're thinking: '_Katou! How did someone as high, but handsome and studly as you live to be as old as you are without overdosing or being mauled by sexy teenage fuckers who want to get in your pants and—ohh—yes Katou, harder, harder you sexy son of a bitch!'_  
  
Well maybe not in that context exactly but I think we both get the idea of what the women want. And for all you, who haven't experienced the volcano of sexual pleasure that is The Katou, I have one hint for you:  
  
Fourteen inches **black**...baby.  
  
The only reason I got sober was because...well...I got caught, and they forced me to, and to be honest I never really got back into it. It's amazing to know that it wasn't the drugs that made me stupid, it just intensified it.  
  
You may think that when I sat in rehab I was thinking something, but no, monkeys and other primates were cleaning the lice and scabies out of their fur and eating it. And then a midget and an elephant spawned a love child and his name was Humphrey...  
  
Okay...so maybe I'm not what most would call 'sober'...but what is sober other than the lack of drugs? ...Look it up in the dictionary jack-nuts!  
  
But...some things have changed...  
  
Kira's gone...he and Lucifer left a long time ago, and I haven't seen them since. So I've gone from a secondary character in a tragedy, to the only one in the sad monologue which has become to be known as my life...  
  
...I still want to name it _Katou's Fantasy Land_...  
  
I'm not so alone, I've got a group of friends, not much better than the ones I had before, like Youji, but atleast they don't try to ditch me and leave me with the 'goods'.  
  
We're the kind of adults that never really escaped what most would call teendom. In fact, we have a lot of kids still in high school that we see every week or so.  
  
We're also the kind of people that do really fucked up shit, on or off drugs. Like put a cat on top of a fan and then suddenly start it so it flies off and hits the wall...  
  
...I read about it...I swears on the precious...  
  
..  
  
I know, short this time around, but I need some Ideas of where you want this to go. Do you want Katou to talk about things that have happened in the world over the past few years, or just senseless Katou drivel...or a mix of both.  
  
Reviews are appreciated! Thank you!


	2. KATOU WINS AGAIN!

AHHH! I'M FINALLY UPDATING! REJOICE BE GLAD, WET YOURSELVES WITH JOY!

Thanks to all who reviewed. Looking back on those inspired me to get going again!

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Angel Sanctuary.

**Sober is Relitave**

If you ever think about the people you live with, I mean seriously think about them you begin to realize how utterly insane they all are. Yes, I know when does Katou, your humbly high narrator have time to think? When he's immobile, of course.

I don't remember what I took earlier…but it was some fucking good shit, and as soon as I can move, I plan on taking more! That is unless my housemates don't use it all. That's right, I'm out of rehab, reverting back to my old self, more or less, and my housemates are in my position. Utterly and hopelessly fucked up.

See, there's me…you know me, Juichi, who we just call Jui most of the time, Key, who owns the place, and our darling little girl, Ema.

Ema, is the most beautiful little girl on this planet. She's cute, adorable, sweet as pie, and she can take a hit without looking like a pussy. I bet you'd expect with all the drugs she does she's as jaded as me? …Well you're wrong. She's as innocent as they come, she's genuine, and smart, though she wouldn't get a sex joke if it came up and fucked her in the ass.

Now that I think about it, she's also got a crush on me too. She treats me differently…she blushes when I compliment her about anything, and she always seems to crawl into my bed when she has a bad dream.

She's a good kid.

I can kind of remember yesterday, through the snow in my mind. I was sitting on the couch and looking at nothing in particular, when all of a sudden she's in my lap, smiling up at me with her big brown eyes.

I looked back down at her with a quirked brow, 'yes?' I asked her in a convincing annoyed voice.

Ema's look went from elated, to worried, to sad, almost crushed. She could never get my sense of humor, dry, sarcastic, and a lot of the time you couldn't tell if I was joking unless I eventually cracked a smile…or I was high, so she slowly began to look down, defeated.

Now, I know what you're thinking, _Katou! How can you be so mean to such a sweet girl? She likes you and you're teasing her like that? I hope she never forgives you!_ Yeah, well if I feel like being an asshole, I'll be an asshole, but honest to god, I couldn't hurt this girl if I tried.

…So I gave up. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her, 'just kidding,' I crowed to the otherwise empty living room and pulled her completely up onto the couch with me.

The slow dawning of realization that she'd been played dawned over her face. It's the best face ever—she goes from confused, to shock, to pouty. Knock out combo. Add ten points.

'Katou,' she yelled, 'you're so mean! I hate you forever!'

'Fine, you know what? Fine, fine!' I said quickly in mock pain, eventhough I held her tighter. It was now so that I was leaning back onto the couch and she was cradled in my arms.

Oh, if Kira could see me then! Holding a woman intimately—though it didn't seem intimate then. He didn't think I was capable of chivalry, on any level—yeah well fuck him, he's gone now.

Yeah, so what if I'm bitter? Thumper won and that's all that matters. Fucking Hell Bitch.

Anyway, back to my rather meager flashback:

She kind of tucked a strand of her red-gold hair behind her ear and frowned. 'I was just kidding Katou, you know I love you!'

Yeah that's right. She said the three most important words you can ever hear…according to Cosmo Girl, anyway.

And you know what? I guess I love her too. Not romantically, but I do love her. I guess you can love anyone that's stuck up for you when you were at the shittiest point in your life. She was quite literally my best friend for the year or so I was in rehab. Even when I got out, before she graduated, she wrote me to check up on me every week.

She was only nineteen then—she's twenty now, and like I said, I'm twenty-five. I'm not into statutory rape or anything so I'll keep my distance, it'd be like boinking my little sister anyway.

A little sister that has a crush on me…

Now, it's a bit later I guess. I'd spaced out again, and suddenly a pair of big strong hands is shaking me. So I glance over and see the unmistakable face of Juichi. Scary thing is, he looks like Kira---a big buff, almost always half naked—he sleeps a lot so all he has on are pajama pants, with dark black hair he keeps in a short pony tail and blue eyes that could kill.

I think that's the reason he and I have ended up fucking.

You wouldn't know it, but he's outrageously, mono-flamboyantly gay. You can't tell from how he acts, or looks, but I know how a gay man pounds ass—this guy is grade A certified gay.

"Ey, Katou—wake up shit-head!"

Yeah, this dude's gay. Just bear with me…

"What the fuck do you want, Jui?" I glared with my eyes closed, somehow, and rolled over a bit.

"I'm bored," he kind of whined, "fix it!" He began to massage my upper thigh, while he said that trying to persuade me into an orgasm from mere touching. Bastard…

"C'mon, Jui, let me sleep!"

"But Katouuuuu, atleast a rim-job!"

"Rim-jobs are for assholes, Jui, now let me sleep!"

I heard a pause for a moment and then I heard him chuckle. He'd gotten the pun. A moment later I felt him crawl onto my bed with me and pull himself close, and after a bit, he seemed to fall asleep.

KATOU WINS AGAIN!

But…I'm tired, so I guess sleep is just around the corner. I just hope that eventually, I'll get my life figured out. Drugs, sex, and wemon. It's like I'm from fucking G'N'R!

One question:

Am I the one with the top hat, or the fruit with the mic?

…

So? Keep going? Stop? Quit writing…? Review please!


	3. My Other Camero

Ahhh---chapter three….more drama, more laughs…more reviews worshiping my humor…okay, the last one was wishful thinking, but the first two are pretty dead on in my opinion. So yes, read, review please…

**Sober is Reliatave **

**-------**

Eventually, I plan on becoming something important...like a doctor, a lawyer, or a drug lord or something, and when that happens, I think I'll want to settle down. Start a family...have little Katou's running around smacking into eachother...I think it'd be nice.

Problem is, unless I want to feel like Setsuna's sexier other half, the only girl that's interested in me is Ema...and I don't think Jui can give me babies, so I guess I'm boned either way.

It's not easy, especially when I know she cares so much, not to be able to look her in the eye and tell her 'I love you too' and mean it the way she does, but I don't feel that way about her. She's too cute.

Like this morning, and I'm talking two thirty in the a.m., here people, all of a sudden my light comes on. I look over my shoulder, not having been sleeping, because you know, I needed a little 'me' time, and there she was:

In one of my old t-shirts, which was way to big for her. It was so long, I couldn't even see her sleep shorts, if she had any on or not. Her hair was kind of messed up from sleep, and she had no makeup on, so her brown eyes looked all the bigger.

Immediately I lost my erection. Five minutes of work, and carpal-tunnel-syndrome for nothing. I felt like a fucking retarded kitten with erectile dysfunction!

"K-Katou? ....Can I sleep with you?"

How can I say no to that? She's the definition of adorable right there, to turn her down would mean she'd be crushed under Jui by morning, and I don't have enough cash for a funeral right now! "Y--," my voice cracked, dammit, "yeah, of course Em."

Slyly, I put Russel the Love-Muscle back in his cage, without her noticing, and pulled back the covers. I could hear her padding softly over as I was doing this and then her crawl timidly up into my bed, which is the comfiest bed ever, I might add! "There, all better, Em?"

She smiled at me sleepily and nodded, "thank you Katou..."

My head was about to combust from the cuteness at that moment, so on impulse I reached over and brought her closer, and kissed her on the cheek, affectionately. When I let go, she moved back to where she was previously, somewhat, and I noticed her face was completely red.

"N-night..." I heard her mutter before she rolled over to hide her redness. I just smiled and pulled the covers up over her and got out to turn off the lights.

On the way back, I saw her shudder a bit--It was the middle of winter after all, and my room was pretty cool. I mean come on, it is my room afterall! ...Bad joke... I climbed back into my bed, and pulled the covers up around my shoulders, and watched her for a bit...her breathing was just slow enough I could tell she was sleeping, but she continued to shiver every so often.

Now, usually the Katou is a candidate for the good old, fuck-and-run, but at the moment, I guessed a cuddle would be good, and beneficial for the both of us, me being used to sleeping with someone, in a close proximity, and her because it would keep her warm.

So, I crossed what area of mattress separated us, and wrapped my arm around her, keeping her close, and slowly the shivering stopped. I was appeased, and I too fell asleep.

The next morning, when I woke up, I found a small form in my arms...and me having the memory of a stoner, I didn't know weather or not I had gotten some pelt last night, or if I was going to be prosecuted for kidnapping. So, when I actually opened my eyes and saw Ema, I was quite surprised, about how intimate we looked.

I, was lying on my back, and by that time I'd kicked the covers down to my knees, so there I was in my only just boxer-ed glory. Ema clinging to me, in my old T-shirt, which due to the rolling over a few times in the night, was getting close to revealing something I didn't want to see. But the most shocking thing was, her panties. They weren't cute little things like I expected, no these were black with _'if you can read this why don't you just eat me_' on them.

Does she have some secret life as a stripper I didn't know about? ...What would her stripper name be? Peaches? Fuck, now I'm going to end up calling her Peaches! Holy shit, what the fuck is wrong with me?

And, as to the tune of some sad joke, just about then, for some strange reason, Jui walked by. That was more of an oddity than my position at the current because he sleeps until three in the afternoon...atleast.

But there, he was, in the doorway, looking on as if I'd committed some horrible sin.

"YUE KATOU! DON'T TELL ME YOU FUCKED EMA!"

Que. the startled wake-up:

"Jui?" I could see her briefly look over the situation, see her near nakedness, quickly pull down her shirt and turn as red as a hooker's lips. She pulled away from me, and sat against the wall looking at me, and Jui in complete shock and embarrassment.

"JESUS, KATOU!"

"Jesus is my _other_ camero, Jui," I said dryly and sat up rubbing my hair trying to feel less hungover.

"KAT--"

"You can stop the yelling too, asshole, I'm right here!" To say the least, I was fucking pissed--I was rather comfortable a moment ago, and he comes in and ruins it! (It seems Ema's a good space heater!)

"But--"

"I didn't fuck Ema, she had a bad dream so I let her come sleep with me, get over it!" I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and looked at him over my eyebrows, "what's your fucking problem anyway?"

I could practically feel Ema flinch every time I spoke, I rarely got upset with her around. I didn't want her to see me like that, but right then, I didn't care!

Jui took one look at me, and then glanced at Ema momentarily and then turned and went back to his room, huffing like a twelve year old girl. Which, he is gay, so it's not that farfetched, but still, it was Jui, and that's not really him....if he can help it.

"Katou...." Ema said timidly from behind me, as if she were frightened I might snap at her next, "what's wrong with Jui?"

I paused a moment, willing myself to calm down, and sighed, "I have no clue, Em..."

**

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****Somewhat of a cliffhanger! MY RE****SOLUTION WAS ACHIEVED! Come on Children! Inspire me to do chapter 4!**


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